April 2013 update. Not much change but i’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and not updating much.
I turned 21 yesterday!
and spent the entire day resting cause lucky me got strep again and it’s really kicking my ass this time. Probably didn’t get over it completely last time so it’s back with a vengeance. Tonsils are almost swollen shut so it hurts really bad to swallow and i haven’t been sleeping much because when I do my throat closes and I wake up cause i stop breathing.
If the pain in my throat doesn’t go down by tomorrow I have to go back to the doctor. I’m super tired and sick of being sick!
Grumble grumble I need food.
feeling pumped from reading tons of awesome fat pride and body positive blogs
decided it was time for a nice chunk of cake. Hell yes.
Learning to love my belly for what it is, soft and fuzzy and SQUISHY. Some days I still battle with wishing it as smaller, and then someone will comment on how soft it is and I remember that there is nothing wrong with a belly, or any body for that matter.
Fuck society and fat shaming and all that bullshit that makes me self-conscious of my extra lovely belly.
I think the hardest part for me personally is that I look average to small in clothes so people assume that I am naturally small. My body doesn’t work that way, large tummies run in my family naturally and the combination of testosterone, zoloft and my love of carbs has added quite a few inches.
I don’t fit in most of my pants anymore and my underwear are tight, but no one perceives me this way which makes it difficult to talk about how I am feeling regarding my stomach because I instantly get the “omg your not fat/chubby/whatever” response when really i just want to talk about MY feelings regarding my body not YOURs or your PERCEPTIONS of my body.
I’m going to take a nice picture of my lovely big belly (which most people might not even see as big) and love it for it is mine!
that is all.
this cake is delicious.
5 months post-op Seth. Surgery with Brownstein in SF who is retiring. I’m a bit sick and yea. Been dealing with a lot of stuff so I haven’t been online much or updating (obviously since this is my first update since surgery). I can make timeline photos for anyone interested but I’m still under a lot of stress so bare with me.
Feel free to message me with any questions you might have regarding Testosterone, transgender identity or surgery.
struggling in all ways, chronic pain
dealing with a lot of chronic pain and fatigue. Having trouble talking about it and figuring out if there is a way to describe/explain cohesively or if there’s a label for it. I don’t even know. All i know is that I rarely feel healthy, and i’m in some sort of pain pretty much every day and get injured so easily just from “average” activities. I don’t think I could handle the tedious process of doctors and diagnosis. I’m also aware of the way in which I judge myself too harshly and have trouble admitting that there is actually something wrong with me (that i’m not just fucked up or stupid) because it took me a long time to finally admit that I have learning disabilities and always told myself that I was lazy or stupid.
I tell myself that I’m exaggerating and that I just need to deal with it and then I tell someone about a few of my pain issues and their reactions tell me that my issues ARE abnormal. Most of my close friends laugh when I make any kind of comment about my body being “normal” or when I act surprised when i’m in pain. I forget that other people experience me in pain a lot and understand that I am earnest I just find it so difficult to accept that my body isn’t fully functional. Internalized ableism? Hope? I don’t know.
At this point i’m just so fucking tired all the damn time. Not only dealing with physical pain and exhaustion but with mental instability.
I’m a fucking mess. For real.
I’ve been MIA
School has been really difficult for me lately. I’m struggling to keep up in all of my classes and feel overwhelmed by life. No matter how much time i feel like i spend doing hw it barely seems like i’ve got anything done at all. I’m really battling my depression in a serious way. I haven’t struggled with it this much in years. I’ve thought about self-harm more often then I feel is healthy and for the first time in my life of depression I’ve spent days lying in bed watching tv and doing nothing else. My libido has dropped (a true testament to how depressed I am, can’t normally tell my every day melancholy from actual dangerous depression until it fucks with my sex drive cause since starting T that shit has been locked in drive). I’m grasping for connection to people and yet feel incapable of having real friendships. I don’t know how real friendships work. How do people get together and make plans? How can I hang out with people and have pictures to look back on - specifically referring to seeing friends on facebook taking photos together and at events and stuff. I want to get invited to go places. I want to initiate going places and plan things. But I feel trapped in my mind.
I spent 2 hours the other night going through old essays and poems to try and find some motivation to write for one of my social justice classes. I was amazed by how well written some of my old work is and I can’t find that place inside me anymore.
I guess ill get up now and shower so i can get going on all the hw i have. fuck
Excerpt from my personal writing, kind or constructive feedback is appreciated as narrative writing does not come natural for me. Also links to my sex blog which is NSFW, follow at your own risk.
"… “May I kiss your chest?”
“Yes, please” Sven responds airily, lost in a fantasy.
To Sven’s surprise, he is caressed for another ten minutes without feeling any lips on his body. Sven is envious of his master’s control as inside he desperately craves to be touched, his only resistance lies in his desire to please his master first . His genitals pulse with anticipation and he resists the urge to touch himself. Sven gasps as lips suddenly encircle his nipple, a tongue gently flicking at the bud that awakens slowly. He grins at his body’s response, thankful to have gained so much sensation back. Sven feels Derek’s mouth trailing across his chest, momentarily losing track of his lips as he crosses the scars that lack nerve endings. Sven is startled by the sudden emptiness of his skin; Derek has sat back to view his chest from afar.
“It’s beautiful” Derek remarks quietly.
“Thank you, sir” Sven replies pridefully. Sven released all shame for his body years ago, he proudly wears his scars, visible and yet masked by his deep voice and beard. Years of being in the gay male scene have removed any disgust he previously had for “feminine” compliments, though his heart still skips a beat when he hears a “she” or “her” in a room full of men. It took a long time for him to accept the idiosyncrasies of his community, the penchant for calling each other queens and girls. Although it has taken years, Sven loves his body for what it is; it’s different than most of the other guys, but that makes him unique, something he now cherishes, even with the fear it brings with new sexual partners.
“Would you like to go further boi?” Derek asks slyly.
Sven’s cunt drips at his words, silently wondering if Derek knows how hard he gets when someone calls him “boi.” Derek can see Sven twitch with excitement and wiggle his hips to secretly give himself stimulation.
“Seems like someone is getting impatient…am I going to have to punish you?”
Sven’s eyes get wide and he nearly stutters to respond, “y-yes sir, I need to be punished”
Derek takes a moment to collect his thoughts, he enjoys making boi’s wait. He goes through a mental check list of the boundaries they had set prior to this meeting. They were quite compatible; Sven being a natural submissive and Derek a natural dominate. Neither was interested in water sports or scat play and Sven had informed Derek of his nervousness around breathing, as he was prone to asthma. Derek knew not to bring a ball gag as he was informed it would dislocate Sven’s jaw; Derek wanted his jaw in top shape to suck his dick, but harm was not his intent. Sven wanted to serve Derek, to give him pleasure; he not so secretly hoped he would be rewarded with pleasure as well. While naturally submissive, Sven was also somewhat of a slut. Derek had a challenge ahead of him to put Sven in his place and make him sore. He needed to be taught a lesson; he should not worry about his own pleasure, his master will give it when it is deserved. He delighted to think of the pounding that he was going to give; he planned to fuck him until he begged for release.
Derek’s smile slowly faded and Sven saw the change in his eyes: now the scene had truly begun…
My insides feel ready to explode
my brain is so overwhelmed and my entire being hurts with emotional pain. I don’t want to live with this feeling. I truly don’t know how to deal with such intense emotions without shutting down. I’ve cried more the last week than I have in the past year combined.
I am an emotional wreck and I keep bursting into tears or whimpering or hitting things or flipping out. FUCK.
I started editing a video with windows movie maker and then realized that if I wanted to add post-top surgery photos i had to get them off my phone. Plug in phone and have to sort out photos to empty the harddrive. Add dick pics to their files. Start organizing 1 years worth of files. Discover renaming feature so that any pics I move out of their month folders will be labeled. Spent a good hour relabeling and organizing my files and folders so that I could look at pictures and make comparisons a lot easier without losing track of what date a photo was taken. So needless to say I didn’t finish the video so I will post photos tomorrow when I am more awake and can think. Off to sleep I go, right after I put that post surgery binder on =/ my chest hurts =[
Sutures out tomorrow!
YESSSSS!!! THEN I CAN SHOWER AND TAKE PICTURES!!!!!
Feeling meh about having to drive back to SF again because it’s a waste of gas but I can’t handle bart right now. Then only a week of surgical binder and my chest is FREEEEEEEEE.
Time to sleep now.
Drains out tomorrow
Huzzah for the drains getting removed tomorrow. They are annoying and kinda painful. I’m really nervous that I have messed up my chest somehow because I have a lot more motion than I’ve seen other guys have and the movement hasn’t really hurt. I’m scared i’ve stretched my chest or something or idk. Just paranoia because i have the habit of thinking about the worst case and it still even seems surreal that my chest is flat under all this gauze. Don’t have too much pain right now but a lot of discomfort and not being able to relax and be comfortable. My back is definitely getting tired of lying around so much. I stayed home today and watched movies with my brother and then my friends later. I’m pretty antsy in general but haven’t been taking my adderal since surgery because I didn’t want to be as awake for the healing process. So I’ve also wanted to move around and get some activity; friday and saturday I went out grocery shopping with my mom and stuff. I am so stoked to see my chest because it isn’t real yet.
Two days post-op with Brownstein. Super stoked about getting the drains removed. Binder thing feels weird, like it’s slipping off or rolling like a typical binder so I want to fix it but that’s the way it’s meant to be. Took a mini shower with a garbage bag over my top half to keep the dressings dry - worked really well for cleaning my lower bits. I’m fine using the bathroom on my own and haven’t needed any help.
So tired all the time but can’t get comfortable, one of the worst aspects of surgery stuff (same with sickness sometimes).
Pain pain go away
fuck you don’t ever come back.
Morphine is out of my system completely and vicodin sucks. I am officially in pain and can’t get comfortable. Can’t sleep because I keep having disturbing dreams.
Least I have two dogs here to keep me company; my dog on my right and my moms dog laying across my legs lol. Going to try and get some rest and maybe put on a movie in the background so I can focus on that to sleep and not have creepy dreams.
First self pic after surgery. Once the morphine wore off my chest started aching a lot more. I slept intermittently, waking up every few hours. The anti-nausea medication makes your throat hella fucking dry: feels like sand paper throat and nothing really helps, water a little bit. Everyone was/is really surprised how quickly I am recovering and I’m thankful my body is working hard to keep me going. At my mom’s in Pleasanton if anyone wants to visit you can message me for my number.
Brownstein said the surgery went well and it only took like an hour and a half or so. I’m of course very tired and it isn’t super easy to be comfortable, but I usually get too tired of trying to get comfy and just stay one way. I have pretty good movement of my arms, still trying not to do too much but I feel like I have more movement then I’ve seen other guys have. The binder and everything packed in puts a lot of pressure on my chest so it’s difficult to breath deeply. I’m actually starting to fall asleep right now. Going to go walk around the apartment complex to get some movement in so my back doesn’t hurt too much.
I’ll make a video when I’m alone later.
Pre-Op Today, surgery tomorrow
I’ve been on a journey that has kept me away from my computer which means that my surgery date is here and I haven’t posted about it yet!
I’m having top surgery with Dr. Brownstein tomorrow. I am super nervous. I am ignoring my feelings because despite having lots of support, I am missing the one person I want to be spending this time with. I just realized that as I wrote the previous sentences I became acutely aware of my heart pounding and chest tightness. Holy fuck I am so scared y’all. I also managed to not get a therapist letter for surgery, oops. My therapist never emailed me back and my doctor is a hassle to get in contact with and my Psych is just my prescriber of pills and doesn’t know anything about being trans* so I freaked out and don’t have it. I’ve got to clean my room so I can walk through it whenever I get back here from staying with my mom post-surgery. I need to take off my bed frame so I don’t have to jump to get into my bed. I need to pack a ton of shit and I need to go shopping still. And my pre-op appointment is at 2! I just want to scream and cry and hide in bed all day. I cannot even believe that this is actually happening. All through my transition I’ve had this intense sense of dread and doubt that the things I wanted weren’t actually going to ever happen, like shit was going to go wrong or things would get in the way. That’s part of why my name isn’t changed legally still because it’s a hassle and it’s confusing and I’m sure I’ll mess it up and wah.
TL;DR I’m a mess, emotionally and mentally. I have a lot of shit going on and not enough capacity to deal with it all.
I also have to deal with the fact that I am now 25 days sober (AA) and have tons of support and friends and a sponsor and most of them are older than me. My mom is still always protective when it comes to me having older friends (-.-) and she doesn’t know about the program or anything and I’m going to need people to come over and bring meetings and talk to me and shit and my mom is already confused by all my new friends and wtf idk ahh. too much to worry about.
In conclusion, I need to shower and kick my ass in gear to get shit done. I’m nervous, terrified, worried and yea. No, I don’t have much excitement right now, I have to go through a shit ton before the excitement kicks in because I always expect the worst. And it’s going to hurt a lot and fuck.
I’m whiney and IDGAF